I'm not very good at updating these things regularly. I make no apology for that. But update it I will, I suppose. Things change as they are apt to do and at this point its no different than back in March when I penned here last.
I broke up with Sasha. Not all too long after my last entry I guess. It was one of those things that went dubiously as it always does. As with all things (and I don't fault her for it) she seemed understanding in the initial moment, but that compassion and comprehension has readily given way to resentment, hatred, bitterness and wrath. All of those are fair things to feel, but for those who don't hear the voices in the halls, here's how it went down:
I was helping my mom's friend Kathy move becasue she has no car. It was the sort of arduous two or three day proccess that comes from moving from the mary-hill bypass to shaugnessy with almost no help and the volunteer transportation of a handful of friends. Well, it'd been a long week of helping and Sasha said she'd lend a hand to lighten my load since I was working full-time days and then going straight to moving Kathy. Having not seen her for a day or two and having missed her, I said yes after an initial no. She said she had plans to watch the play-off game, i told her it was ok, she said she'd come anyways and just watch part of it. Well, long-story short, she showed up drunk. She didn't want to be taken home so I rode out the night with her being all fiercely groppy and drunkenly absent and resolved to talk to her about it the next day. No good can come of picking a fight with your drunken girlfriend. All it gets you is a second fight the day later when they don't remember or resent you taking advantage.
So the next day rolled around and she called me just as I was closing shop at work, which was fine since I was gonna call her anyways. Well, I told her it had really hurt me that she'd shown up drunk and she decided to pull up every excuse she could muster to defer blame from herself. She tried "my friend made me", "my beleifs and yours aren't the same, you can't expect me to comply", "I didn't mean to it was an accident", and a few others. The thing that hurt most was when I told her how what she'd done had hurt me, her immediate response had been "well sometimes you do things that hurt me too". Well, after an hour long fight on the drive home I excused myself to go to dinner with my dad and brother and told her I'd call her after that and we'd ressolve it.
She sent me a 25 segment text message saying how sorry she was and how if I didn't want to continue that was cool but if I did how perfect we could make it. It'd be a long and upsy-downsy relationship already on the second take and I chose to withdraw. She didn't get the text I sent her but I went over the next day and we talked it out for a few hours and resolved that it would be too difficult for her if we stayed friends and officially ended contact on what I thought was forlorn but decent terms.
We filmed "4 to 5 Servings " up in Whistler in April where I shared a cuddly tender bed with Corinne all weekend. After all, Sasha had personally removed herself from my life and I found myself quite interested in the quiet editor who'd just joined our film group. It was a great time. A really good time all around. Fader, Mike and I discovered the Dynamo Drink of Choice and we all contributed to make a great movie and party it up. I also got to play the vampire at the end of our film although I was disapointed with how they shot the part. Can't win them all I suppose.
Sasha looked me up a little while later on facebook, re-adding me as a friend. I hadn't realized we'd unfriended but i let her back and she said via message that she didn't want to form any bonds but maybe we could you know, start talking a bit again. Well, that seemed fair and fine. Until I, thinking we where pals and all, thought to check her LJ and see what I'd missed. AFTER she'd reinitiated contact with me, she dropped a pleasant little hate diatribe on her journal. A pair of them really. Describing me as such a monster and wretch. Turns out there was a picture of Corinne and I up at Whistler (I failed to mention there may have been some drunken making out involved too) that showed us clearly snogging and we weren't tagged in it. Sasha has a talent for webcrawling though. If there's dirt, she'll find it. She took exception and I pressed her until she finally came clean on this whole photo business. Its really not so bad a picture at all. Everyone's clothes are on and no one's hands are anywhere naughty. -shrug- So, I made peace with her yet again.
After Whistler Corinne and I started seeing each other, and reluctant as she was to actually become a couple, I sort of insisted. I mean, we acted like a couple, went out like a couple, fooled around like a couple, and more or less where a couple. But it killed me to be caught in between. Bound by my own sense of loyalty to someone who had promised me nothing in return. I don't do well with in between. Well, after a couple months of that not-actually-a-couple nonsense, I managed to convince her to come around. Its a lot nicer now that we're actually a pair.
I'm still working at Teaching Things. 12$/hour is pretty good and I work with Fader, Mark Condon and Jessy, so thats pretty sweet.
What else is new...? Oh, Sasha's friend Danielle, immature as she is, decided to scrawl on my wall "You're a jack ass, have a nice day". Of course, she didn't prove mature enough or ballsy enough to leave my response up on her wall. I didn't say anything cruel, but I was honest and fair. Paraphrased, it went something like "Where did this come from? I could have respected you representing a few months ago when I broke up with your friend, but its a little late. Now you're just being rude." She just scrubbed her wall. When I called her on it, she unfriended me. I'm not really at much of a loss.
Sasha swings like a pendulem, between decent: she'll text me for directions to a restaurant while with her new boy love-crush-guy (who has a girlfriend?), to hating me and despising me with such a fervor and passion. Or at least resenting me. She doesn't want to encounter me at Julia's up and coming bring your own meat bbq. Who has a bring your own meat bbq birthday party? lmao.
I'm not going to force any suffering on her though. I told her I'd text when I was going to arrive and that she should text when she was arriving just to make sure there was no overlap. I think I'd be ok if she just decided to either make peace with me or hate me. But I never get a memo when the rules change. They just do. Which is how it always sort of was. I really tried my best to break up with her gently, you know? I gave it a second try, I talked it over with her for hours until it seemed like she understood that it wasn't an act of spite, it was just one of those things that happens sometimes. Sometimes love ends. Its not an eternal fountain like people say.
Its a strange feeling, being hated by someone and not hating them back. Hoping the best for them while they just hate at you and think rotten things. She keeps telling me I have no moral scale, but its just a different scale. Mine's imperial and hers is metric. I still have one.
And that officially wraps up Sasha Fitzgerald's section in my life. All the best, Sasha. Thanks for the good times and sorry for the bad ones. Don't fret. I'm someone else's dragon now.
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prolixapostasy's journal
frustrated
nostalgic
Faded